I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
