I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Barsexuality is the new black.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
