New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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