Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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