but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize