the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
