Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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