i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
