Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
