i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
