he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
