Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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