I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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