i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
