I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
