you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
