I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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