Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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