i'm lost and i look like a hooker
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
