Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
