Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
