Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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