Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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