A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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