just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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