your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
