Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
