Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
