You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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