i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
