I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Drunk is a universal language darling
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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