Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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