Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
