handjob tips. give me some.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
