I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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