Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
