dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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