Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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