I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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