Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
