its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
