that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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