You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
