I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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