I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize