Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
