Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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