Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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