I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
