Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
