Swine flu. Run for my life!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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