The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
