Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
