Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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