im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
