I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
