i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
