just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
