Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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