dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
